Road trip!!

I am heading up north again to visit family in Montana.  Driving 3,000 plus miles there and back.  It's a route I've done several times and it gets easier, not harder, as I age.  Why?  Technology. 

This trip will be the first in my new Jeep.  The options for entertainment are a thousand times improved from my previous car and a million times improved from the old days when cassette tapes were considered a remarkable and appreciated companion on long trips.  I hit the road later this week with Bluetooth, satellite radio, and plugin/chargers for all kinds of gadgets.  No need even for an old school CD player, which my new car doesn't have anyway.   

The trip will likely begin with the soundtrack from Guardians of the Galaxy by way of an app on my car's entertainment system.  I will at some time switch to talk radio on Sirius XM, then more music from one of my Pandora stations, followed by a podcast, maybe a segment of NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. I haven't picked out an audio book yet for the trip, but that also is in the works. 

There also will be moments of silence.  During which I likely will contemplate what to listen to next.

Where have all the old folks gone? And does anyone care?

Our society, in general, does not care much for old people. And by old people, I mean those who are in their late 70s and older.  That's the age psychologists view as old relative to behavioral and developmental stages.  Of course if you ask a 30 year old, well, old age likely begins at 40.
What evidence is there that we kinda dislike old people?


Consider the stereotypes on TV and in movies. Madison Avenue and Hollywood must have some law that says oldies can only be silly, feeble, out-of-touch, unable to work any tech gadget, cranky, smelly, and bad drivers.  That last one might have some validity. 


More evidence of discrimination is the lack of older people included in anyone's social circle if you don't count older family members. When's the last time you called up good ole' Madge or Carl and invited them to a barbecue?  How about never. 


But perhaps the most glaring evidence of society's contempt is the fact that one does not see old people anywhere outside a church, synagogue or mosque.  Of course there's the rare sighting at Walmart or a pharmacy. But it's like they're hiding.  Well, in fact they are.


Around the 1970s large chunks of our older population began a mass exodus to their own lands called independent living centers and assisted living centers.  Both these places continue to this day to serve this population as a nice way station on to their final destination, the nursing home.  Something that began as an experiment has become routine transition for older people.


It may have been ok for awhile, but now this out of sight, out of mind removal policy needs some serious tweaking.  Thankfully, there is a growing movement working to change our views and values on aging.  Dr. Bill Thomas heads a group called ChangingAging and this year is traveling the country speaking about the need for change.  I get to see him when his Distrupt Aging Tour comes to Dallas in the fall. He sums up the mission:


"Our society needs an engaged and engaging elderhood because such a life stage offers the best possible refutation of the doctrine of youth's perfection. Most of us will need to see, with our own eyes, that a valued and valuable elderhood truly exists before we voluntarily surrender our adulthood. As a society, we, perhaps more than any other people who have ever lived, need elders. We need a renewed elderhood that can help older adults become the elders they were meant to be."


Old age as a life stage that offers value to society.  I love that concept.  If you do too, check out these sites: ChangingAging - changingaging.org; Eden Alternative - edenalt.org; Pioneer Network - pioneernetwork.net.

 

Mother's Day: Bah Humbug!

I am republishing my post from last year because nothing has changed.  Almost nothing.  Jenny celebrates her second year as a mother, not first, and I am happy to report she made the grade.  She is the real thing.  My mother is getting another shipment from Collin Street and I, too, am getting a gift.  As a matter of fact, I am typing on that gift right now.  Thanks, Paul. 

Mother's Day: Bah Humbug!

Come on.  We all know that Mother's Day is a fake holiday.  I've written about this before.  About not really being a fan, even as the mother of 3 adult kids who I love dearly and believe they love me.  But could this year be different as I think about my daughter Jenny who will celebrate her first Mother's Day as a mother?  Will that soften my view?


Hell no.


I still am not a fan.  I am a jaded social worker for sure.  Maybe if we called it Good Mothers Day.  Or call it Mothers Who are Just So-So Day.  Or even Mothers Who Did The Best They Could Day might work.  All moms are not created equal and there are many who have not earned this special day.  It's tough on their kids to be reminded every second Sunday in May that they were cheated out of good childhood.


For the record, I am not talking about my own mother.  She gets a gigantic package from Collin Street Bakery in Corsicana, Tx.


Mother's Day started out as a real holiday in 1908.  Young Anna Jarvis so loved and honored her own mother she began the process for setting aside an official day for "the person who has done more for you than anyone in the world."  Her mother, Ann Jarvis, cared for soldiers in the Civil War - from both sides of the conflict.  Ann Jarvis also advocated for public health issues.

The idea in the beginning was to simply communicate to your mother the reasons she is important.  Sadly, it didn't take long before Hallmark and others (candy makers, florists) hijacked poor Anna's .tribute to her mother.  She began protesting the idea of profiting from Mother's Day, even getting herself jailed.  Hmm.  She really loved her mother, I think, who by that time had died.  In the end, she lost her fight to keep it real.  Sad fact.


Paul will be glad to know I'm not that invested in a Mother's Day protest.  In fact, I am part of the problem as I will be receiving gifts (I am told) and have (as previously mentioned) purchased a gift.  But NO Hallmark card!  Gotta draw the line somewhere.

Full circle

My kids were pretty good at hiding stuff from their mother.  Jenny, for example, used to climb out her second-story bedroom window onto the gable roof.  She'd just sit there, she says.  It was her fort or space or whatever.  I was just informed of this a couple of months ago.  She started this practice when she was 10; she's now 30.  That's 20 years in the dark.


At the age of 12 Andrea hid a can of beer in her backpack on her way to a waterpark.  Her friend was bringing the lemon juice to mix with the beer to use as a hair bleach. If her little brother hadn't ratted on her, man, that coulda been an interesting day.


Speaking of little brother.  When John was 5, he shimmied up an aluminum street lamp. To the very top!  I missed that one, too. The neighbor lady didn't.  Well, it wasn't entirely his fault.  His older sister, daredevil Jenny, had preceded him up the pole.  It simply had been his turn. 


Of course these are but a fraction of the things my kids tried to hide from me. Lies of omission. They were good at it, too.  I say that with a certain amount of pride because I believe too much transparency between child and parent is unhealthy. My kids lied to protect their mom.  They understood, even at such a young age, the aggravation their actions induced. They lived by that motto, "What mom doesn't know won't hurt her."  I call that thoughtful. Which is why I may find myself needing to return the favor.  


This weekend I am the sole guardian of two of my grandchildren, ages 3 and 5.  I am wondering what kind of adventure we could have and how much information about said adventure will need to be kept from the parents.


How does that song from the Lying King go?


Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of (crashing drums) Lies

Blind devotion

You know how some days kinda have a theme?  For me, today is charisma day. 


First this morning Paulie and I entertained the delusional idea that we wanted to check out recreational vehicles.  How convenient that just 30 minutes from our house is the regions' biggest and baddest seller of RV's.  Big ones that go for a million dollars.  Little ones, too, but even they cost more than what we paid for our first house. 


Enter Jimmy.  Tall and handsome; over-groomed for my personal style.  Western attire, shades tucked into his button-up shirt.  Make that unbuttoned up and showing a little skin.  And lots of cologne. I mean a lot, but a pleasant scent.


Jimmy has charisma.  The kind that lulls you into agreeing with everything he says. His office walls are filled with memorabilia from his days in Vegas working with all kinds of fancy people.  He even has a picture with Mohammad Ali.  That is impressive. Thirty minutes in and he and Paul were speaking the same language, practically answering each other's sentences. Good thing we had a time limit on the visit or we might have caught a horrible case of buyer's remorse. We escaped. 


Later in the day I run over to our neighborhood Walgreens to pick up a script. While there, I wander into the cosmetic aisle, and minding my own business, I hear, "How are you doing?"  Crap.  I know that voice.  It belongs to the Walgreen's cosmetic lady who always gets me to buy stuff I don't need or want. How? Charisma.  But it's not like you can compare a 70 grand RV to a $15 bottle of foundation.  Like she said, I could use the extra SPF and she gave me a coupon for it, too.  Man she's good. 


Unfortunately today I also had the displeasure of reading in one of the local newspapers, the Dallas Morning News (4.18.2015, front page),about a charismatic leader of a tiny religious cult. The leader, a 49-year-old woman, convinced parents their 2-year-old son was demon possessed and they should not feed him.  He starved to death.  It's mind blowing.


Charismatic people, by definition, "exercise a compelling charm that inspires devotion in others."  This sick leader apparently oozed with compelling charm and used it against a small following. 


That leaves me to rethink today's theme. If charisma requires participation from another, maybe a better word theme for today is gullible, as in one who is trusting, naïve, innocent, simple and green. I  understand how easy it is to cave in to others, as in buying stuff you don't need.  However, I really need to better understand how parents can stand back and watch their child starve to death.  Certainly they were trusting and naïve and blindly devoted.  And scared and uneducated and likely selfish.  The perfect gullible storm.


In this case, the ghastly imperfect gullible storm.


















    

Free-range kids vs scheduled kids

Free-range parenting.  I hate that name.  It just sounds too weird for me.  However, the sentiment behind it I like. 


Let kids roam outside within boundaries set by parents.  Let them come up with their own activities, create their own adventures.  As opposed to having their days fully scheduled, one parent or the other hovering and deciding every tiny detail of a child's life.  Do this, not that.  Go here, not there.   I show my bias.


So much has happened in the last 20 to 30 years causing parents to become stalkers of their own children.  It was about the time my kids, now in their early 30s, were playing organized sports that the practice of putting kids' names on jerseys was banned.  Why?  It would give the perverts an advantage.


It also was about the same time cable launched 24/7 news coverage.  Local stories became national stories.  Fear became the measure of a good story.  Scaring parents grew into a cottage industry.


Is the world a more dangerous place than it was 30 years ago?  Tough one to call.  For sure we have more information than we did 30 years ago.  We know what CAN happen to our children because it happened to someone else's child.  Even when that child lived thousands of miles away, but also when that child lived close by.  The national Amber Alert is based on a nightmare that happened in the city where I raised my kids.  Amber was around my kids' age.  So maybe fear is a valid reason to reject free-ranging.


Another problem with letting your kids roam is who are they going to roam with?  Depends I guess on where you live.  In many places and neighborhoods, there just aren't other kids to hook up with.  Sure, you can plan play dates for your children.  But there you go, taking away any possible way of the child creating their own adventure in the great outdoors. 


Texas, by the way, appears to be a free-range parenting state as there's no statute limiting the age for children running loose. Of course if you point that fact out to Child Protective Services after your 3 year old is picked up toddling alone through the neighborhood, they likely will not be impressed. There also is no statute limiting the age of children left home alone.  Again, not advisable to leave tiny minors alone to change their own diapers.  Texas does have a statute that says you can't leave a child under 7 alone in a car for longer than 5 minutes.  Whew.


What's the takeaway?  Free-range parenting sounds weird and scary but has good points.  Scheduling children's outdoor activity can stunt creativity and problem-solving skills but has good points.  


Can we meet in the middle?  Let's start play dates for free-ranging!! 

Coach Andrea Scott: A true role model

My daughter Andrea Scott coaches varsity soccer at the high school level.  She's just finished her ninth year.  Three times she's been voted Coach of the Year by her colleagues.  She is a mentor to many on and off the field.  I know this because I have read many letters and emails and texts from current and former students. 


Here's what one former student recently said to her in a letter regarding an assignment in a college literature class:


"Our assignment was to write down a true role model and discuss. ... I chose to write about my hometown high school soccer coach.  Looking over the criteria used to define a role model, without a doubt, you hit every mark.  I feel I needed to write all of my thoughts down because I think it's a rare thing for someone to truly change the course of someone's life.  ... In high school, I was a mediocre soccer player at best.  Everyone knew this.  However, that wasn't the point.  In my four years playing for you, I learned more about life than I ever did soccer - which is the point.  No one ever goes pro from high school soccer, and I think that's what a lot of people miss.  If they would take in the moments and lessons that you give, they will be a better person for it."


I couldn't agree more because my daughter is my role model, too.